In part 1, I shared with you with stories of my rocky parenting of our firstborn, Mr R. We finally got a diagnosis of bipolar for him. Here’s how we coped immediately after the diagnosis.
Also at age 7, he began attending a small private school with his brother. He was in a mixed Kindergarten/first grade classroom. His brother, a newly minted 6 year old, was in Kindergarten – and my son was placed there as well. Brother made progress – his teacher called him a model student. My BP son would have failed Kindergarten, except I withdrew him early because of a lot of complicated politics at the church. He was there on scholarship – my family has been associated with that church for quite a while, and although I didn’t attend the parish, my brother, landlord, and several friends did. I cleaned the school twice a month and volunteered as part of tuition, as well. My son’s first grade teacher, in her sixties and truly a gifted educator, agreed with me that something was seriously wrong.
Before he started school that year, I took him to our priest for a special blessing. Not quite a full exorcism, which requires an investigation and the approval of the bishop, but one step down from that. I really do think I explored every option. (well, I didn’t do past life regression. I said I’m a quack, not stupid and crazy.) I read all manner of books, prayed, slipped Scripture verses under his pillow. Husband annointed the house with oil and rebuked Satan. (He’s a Baptist turned non-denominational).
I had him tested by the local school district, who gave him the ironic label of “Significantly Identifiable Emotional Disability”. I say ironic, because they did not identify the emotional disability, just called him SIED. But he did qualify for services, which, in that rural district and through the private school, was going to consist of twice weekly sessions with a social worker to work on self esteem issues.
I declined, and was then accused of child abuse. It seems that putting dear son in the shower to help snap him out of his 6 hour rages is abusive. I thought not giving your child a bath was abusive, but I guess I’m not a trained social worker. A child voluntarily taking a bath is ok. Making them do it is not. Go figure. I think it’s because the school district, one ofthe less affluent, wasn’t going to get their federal funds for my son unless they provided some sort of service for him, and they were trying to pressure me. Ha! I am not easily pressured, swayed, or influenced. I believe I am what people call mule-headed.
Anyway, throughout all of this, I was working 2 jobs, then 1 job, had a baby, and spent several months with my husband working out of state to support us. Still seeking treatment through the medical establishment. Finally getting a diagnosis.
My husband and I made the decision to put dear son, age 7, on antipsychotic medication. A dangerous proposition, especially as this was an off-label use (that medication has since been approved for use in autistic children.) However, bipolar disorder has a 15% fatality rate (from suicide), not counting shortened lifespans from alcohol abuse, drug abuse, and risk taking behaviors, which BP’s do at an astronomical rate. He had already talked about killing himself, and we ended up having to lock the knives up for a while, with the food, since I kept finding them in his room. Remember, this kid was a scrawny 7 year old, not a troubled teen!
A few weeks went by. Dear son, always the special one, will not take medicine or pills. He’s also the biggest wimp. So, we figured out how to put the pills in a spoonful of applesauce – sometimes several spoonfuls – and tweaked the dose and the timing. The medication made him more normal. Able to stop himself before he got mad-but when he got mad, it was all over. Could be 4-6 hours before he was coherent again, another 2-3 before he was a little boy again. He had those rages several times a week. He is about 18 months to 2 years behind in emotional development, plays better with 6 year olds than 8 or 9 year olds, and I think a large part of this is the time he missed when he was raging. He would rarely remember anything that happened, would express surprise at broken toys, would ask me what happened to the wall… he literally had 15-20 hours a week of his entire life missing.
The medication gave our family a break. It allowed my spirit, as well as his, to heal. I had a heart for my son again. I had been praying for years – literally – to love him the way I do now. So much damage is done, however, when I would spend hours holding him in the basket weave hold while he thrashed and spit and bit and said all manner of nasty things.
Everything was on hold all of the time because of him. Meals were destroyed, siblings caught in the crossfire, and many trips were not taken. Family relationships were affected as many thought I was too easy, should spank him more, needed to crack down, needed to be consistent. Even though my other children were turning out pretty good. Others in my family thought I needed to lighten up, relax, give the kid a break. I couldn’t win for losing. My dear son also developed quite and acrimonious relationship with his grandmother.
The meds helped us heal, and allowed us to get on with our lives. I took dear son out of school in April. He turned 8, I quit my job and was home with him, again trying the homeschooling to catch him up. Husband went out of state for 7 weeks, we moved across the country, and dear son started in a wonderful special education program at the public school. His class has 5 students, 2 adults (teacher and assistant), and is designed specifically for children who are behind grade level due to emotional/mood problems. It is truly a godsend!
The medication sabbatical, and a training system detailed in “Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach“, really helped us get our feet back under us. The credit system from the book has since been dropped, but it allowed him to see he could do better. It allowed me to replace my mental image of him, to see he could do well, even excel, be normal, have a conversation. It was exactly what we needed. However, I wasn’t comfortable giving him this medication for life. There are serious side effects, including heart disease, high cholesterol, and long term use can cause diabetes. I kept looking for a better way.
Karen (1)
Raso @ lasagnarec... (1)
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow, that is some journey! We’ve had our own journey, but it was more of trying to get our son to eat and gain weight. I never really took the term, “failure to thrive” too seriously when I heard others use it!!! Oy, I know better now!! We are just starting on our gaps journey, and I plan on blogging our progress. I think our whole family is going to benefit (we will all be doing it). Each of us has symptoms of GAPS. We are sick ALL the time, even though we eat ‘healthy’. We have allergies, tummy issues, hyperactivity in one child, and two who have this skin virus that was supposed to clear in six months but one has had it for a year and the other for five years!! And then of course is Jed, our four year old who has sent me on this quest for an answer to all of his seemingly non related issues. I am so happy that you have found something that is working for your son. Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost four years of my life with all of the appointments, learning, searching, etc that has gone on for that one child. At the same time I know we have grown much, and I have learned a lot along the way.
Blessings,
kerri
I got a lot of pressure from the school district when my oldest was in kindergarten. He was very “hyper” and hard to control, etc.
And then they tested him and he was reading at a 4th grade level.
Can we say bored?
I think that far too many teacher are pushing meds instead of harder work. Busy hands = a very very good thing for kids.
How did your other kids cope with the rages?
you should be ashamed talking about your kid in the way you do!! I’m sure as your poor son grows up he will be happy to know his mother, that is supposed to love and protect him wrote all about his mental disorder. you mommy bloggers are a trip!!
I don’t think mothers should be ashamed of their children’s disabilities, neurobiological or otherwise. Yes, I do talk about it on my blog. And he knows about it.
Milehimama,
I have two younger siblings with BP, and I have to say that I completely disagree with Jennifer above. We need MORE moms talking about the challenges of raising kids with mental health issues. My parents had to fight for 12 years before my sister go into the mental health system and it took and other 3 years to get the right diagnosis. Her behaviour was very similar to your sons and this went on for 15 years. My parents were so busy dealing with her that they failed to see my brothers more subtle symptoms until he was an older teen and they could no longer compel him to get treatment. My sister is now a very successful accountant and we have a wonderful relationship after not being able to be in the same room unattended when we were children. My brother on the other hand, has many many problems. Early treatment is essential. We aren’t ashamed to talk about cancer treatment or insulin injections for diabetics, and I for one, refuse to be ashamed of mental illness.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for talking about your son and his treatment and your experience and feelings. It exactly mirrors what went on in my family when I was a child. I am also aware that because my husband also has a sibling with schizophrenia, our children would at any time develop their own challenges and our peaceful home could be turned on its head.
I have put my family on Truehope nutrients. The basic premise of these nutrients is that they pass the blood brain barrier that most vitamins can’t do. Our bodies are deficient of these nutrients because of the way our foods are grown these days.
The stories on their website are amazing and I am seeing great results in my family, including myself.
I have no affiliation with the company so this is not a sales pitch. I encourage you and all who read this to check out their website and read through the success stories page. It is simply amazing.
Wow, I just found your blog and was admiring all these beautiful babies..9!!! How are you even the littlest bit sane? And then I clicked the “Bipolar” link and read this. Bless your heart. That’s the best thing I can come up with to say. I think it is great that you are blogging about your son’s diagnosis first off..I was kind of shocked someone actually took the time to tell you what a terrible mother you are for sharing that information. She is one of those people who have never dealt with a disability of a child or close family member I am sure. Because the people that have definitely enjoy (using enjoy loosely) reading about other people’s experiences and knowing there are other people out there going through the same things they are. I only have two children, so far, and both are healthy so far, thank God. But I do have a brother who is severely handicapped that is 8 years younger than me and that I have whole heartedly helped my mother raise since he was born and it is difficult to say the least. It’s an ongoing experience that is so difficult you have to live it to know it that’s for sure. I don’t have any advice or anything like that but I just had to comment in general that you seem amazing and sound like you are doing a great job and giving all the love you can possibly give. I can’t imagine a day in your shoes! I am so happy I have found your blog tonight =)
{ 1 trackback }