Out of all the things I thought I’d do in my lifetime, coveting a 12 passenger van was not one of them.
This weekend I hit the Target, and ended up parking next to a big white beast of a van, a 12 seater or maybe a 15. There was a rosary hanging from the rear view mirror of this Moby Dickmobile. Big van plus rosary usually means big family. I was just a little excited to see if I could spot the family in the store.
It’s a little known fact that mega-family moms have a special radar for other big families. I’m low and shallow, so I usually hope the other big family will distract attention from my horde. Today I was alone, which meant I had big plans to hang out and ogle the linens, then mosey over to the rug section. I found the perfect rug, BTW. It’s the color of dirt and made of olefin, and when it gets dirty, you can hose it off. I can’t wait until they come out with a wall-to-wall version.
And I found them. A family with seven children, that is. But, no one was smiling at them. The children were childish, but not out of control. They were walking with their parents and not snatching things off the shelf. Yet, I saw more than one other customer cast a hard glance into their cart or frown in their direction.
This family was Hispanic, and I live in Houston. We’re not too very far away from the border and there’s quite a bit of vitriol spouted on a regular basis towards immigrants, or those who look like they could be immigrants. Especially people who look like they could be immigrants and on the public dole.
I perhaps would never have noticed other people’s reactions, except that it was so different from the reactions I typically receive when I’m out and about with the kids.
I take quite a bit of pride in showing off my family. Too much pride, probaby. Everyone comments on the red hair, on Mr X’s curls, on Baby A’s chubby legs. Bystanders count, then count again. I love to tell people that we have 4 of each, girls and boys.
I love seeing my family all lined up at the table, at the checkout, at the drinking fountain or bathrooms. (For the record, I don’t love taking them to the bathroom which eats up at least 20 minutes, discussing allowances owed at the checkout and snatching away chocolate bars, or mediating who gets to sit next to the baby at the restaurant.)
But lately I haven’t been bragging so much. I’ve shared before that our family was receiving food stamps. Somehow, it seems better to leave how many kids we have out of it when I’m buying bread. Before, I’d proudly tell the checker that I had eight hungry mouths to feed and, yes, I birthed every one of them. Now, when I’m using my Lonestar Card, I hope no one asks.
And on the odd occasion that I have the whole family with me at the grocery store, I have gotten one of those looks.
I don’t want to get the same looks as that other family got. I don’t want people toting up my groceries in their heads. I don’t want a lecture on how we shouldn’t have children we can’t afford (and never mind that we had all of these children before the job loss and that we’ve never been on public assistance before; never mind that we’ve paid into the system for over 20 years; never mind that these children will be paying those people’s Social Security in a few short years; never mind that just because an adult is broke doesn’t mean their children should be punished or unwelcome.)
Pride.
It is interesting that we’ve collectively decided, as a society, that no child should go hungry and we put our money where our mouth is, allowing our taxes to buy groceries for hungry children, yet there is an uspoken rule that if one has more than 2.5 children, accepting government assistance is somehow wrong and bad.
If you see a mom – any mom, of any size family – at the store this week, congratulate her on her blessings. And if you see someone with foodstamps, don’t automatically assume it’s because they’re lazy or irresponsible or selfish. Give them a smile, too.
UPDATED TO ADD: We have been on public assistance before, in 1998 when I was pregnant with our first child, I got WIC. I was wrong when I said we had never been on public assistance before, I meant we had never relied on foodstamps before. Also, in the interest of full disclosure, once we went to the local health clinic for vaccines, which I suppose is also technically public assistance. We have also used the public school system, relying on taxpayer dollars to educate our children. If I’ve forgotten any other forms of public assistance, and I remember in the future, I’ll update here.
~MHM 4.5.10
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{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh, I could write a whole book on this subject.
Suffice it to say, yes ma’am to the whole thing. Less judging, more understanding.
People seem to naturally assume that one needs public assistance because one has so many kids…in truth, most families on assistance fit the national average with their one or two kids.
Like you, I take pride in my brood. I usually get friendly comments from older people and looks of disbelief from the younger ones…
The most interesting thing to me about reading your post was realizing that I cannot ever remember seeing a large Hispanic family – and I live in a location with a large Hispanic population. (Interesting note: a group of us parents were talking while waiting on our kids to get out of RE. I can’t even remember how we got to talking about race and forms, but one Grandma was complaining because she isn’t Hispanic – she’s Mexican and there’s never a place to put that. I never realized that not everyone likes the ‘Hispanic’ term.) In any case, my two girls and I are some of the ones you will see always smiling at the big families. We have never seen a big family where they weren’t all so well-behaved and nice. Regarding public assistance, the only time I have felt somewhat annoyed (and I mean the only single time) was when I read a newspaper article about someone who kept ADOPTING kids and had been using the food bank for 13 years. I don’t feel that you should continue to adopt when you can’t afford what you already have, but that is different than having kids on your own (I am Catholic, after all!).
MHM, don’t let ‘em get you down. I was just reading a food stamp article from the Houston Chronicle (the one I sent you) and most of the commenters clearly think that food stamp recipients are all either illegal immigrants or lazy. (After all, “reasoned” one commenter, there are always want ads in the classifieds. So nobody ever has an excuse to be unemployed.) Now considering that the commenters in the Houston Chronicle are by and large rock-chewing morons with IQs that would make great golf scores, that’s actually quite a charitable assessment from them!
Sheila, many times with foster adoption, the children come with special needs and the state provides adoptive families with assistance to make the adoption possible. The alternative is for the child to continue to languish in foster care, which is not only bad for the child, but also costs the state more than the assistance. That may have been the case in the family you read about. Generally, in private adoptions (with agencies or lawyers), you can’t get approved to adopt (can’t pass the home study) if you are receiving public assistance.
Oh yeah, I always smile at kids and their parents in public, especially if the children are “acting childish” because to me it’s cute. Yes, I actually think it is cute when a kid acts like a kid. I usually compliment large families just because I remember what it was like growing up in one! The occasional kind word from a stranger made up for a lot of nasty comments and dirty looks.
Well said, MHM!
Everybody has hard times. I have had hard times in my life, but thank gawd it never got so bad I needed government help. But I disagree with ppl who are ALREADY on welfare & food stamps & continue to have more children to add to the welfare roll. We pay $38,000 a year, yes you read that right we pay 38k a year JUST in federal income tax…so I have a pretty strong opinion about where it should go.
But what is the alternative? Should Medicaid not cover pregnant women, should children born while parents were on food stamps not be covered? I’m not sure what could or should change.
Children are not luxuries and shouldn’t be put in the same class as a big screen TV or eating steak and lobster every week.
Medicaid for pregnant women and children under 18 is a teensy tiny portion of the state’s budget. You can guarantee a bigger part of it is spent on things like paying for methane studies, abstinence only sex education, and Rick Perry’s excesses.
The federal government only has more places to waste their dollars than the state.
I receive $.63 per person, per meal in food stamps. You really think that should be reduced?
Don’t even get me STARTED on Perry. The primary’s tomorrow, BTW – don’t forget to vote! Totally OT, have you HEARD Kay Bailey Hutchison’s dumb, dumb ad attacking Perry for living in the governor’s mansion? At taxpayer expense! The nerve.
Are there people abusing the system? Yes, surely. But that doesn’t mean that the people the system was designed to help don’t need the help.
And from a Christian perspective- almost all of the Christian run food banks aim to help people access GOVERNMENT services. Like it or not, THAT is the safety net in our country. Government assistance is the first line to help people.
Kristin- don’t forget how Perry bragged about our state surplus even as he denied funding for more food stamp workers to process apps, leading to TX constantly violating federal law!
That is the safety net NOw. It didn’t used to be. When the government takes something over, it never goes back to the people.
OTOH, the government wouldn’t have taken it over had the body of Christ (church) not been failing people somewhere along the line.
Also, sometimes the people take back their rights. Look at the educational system – parents are taking back their right to direct their own children’s education, and the movement grows every year.
Rick Perry is a moron. A moron with power is a dangerous moron.
Without my couponing, we’d be in a lot of trouble. Going to food banks is very hard. They require a lot of documentation, almost as much as DHS.
My local food bank required MORE documentation than HHS.
There’s something about motherhood that just seems to encourage certain people to say rude things. God has only blessed us with 3 so far but just the other day I was at the art museum gift shop and this old lady chided me in this totally judgmental tone of voice: “Don’t you think you should be older than 14 before having so many kids?” First of all, I’m 33 and my oldest is 7 so I wasn’t even all that young when I had her. But what business of hers is it anyways?
Ignore the haters, or better yet, pray for them
I’ve seen compelling evidence that the church was handling charity very well when the government took it over- a failure on the part of the church was not the reason for the government takeover.
We have seven children and have been on food stamps, but it was back when we only had one child, and we both lost our jobs after we got pregnant with her. On the other hand the two people I know best who are on food stamps… one has three children with three different fathers, never married, and she certainly has a sense of entitlement. She is indignant that she has to pay 3.00 for a prescription, complains that it must come out of baby’s pampers. Yet she buys her children McDonald’s happy meals at least once a week, she eats out herself several times a week, buys herself fifty three dollar shoes, and spent 400 dollars on glasses for her 8 year old because she didn’t want to wait two weeks for the medi-care pair to come in. Her apartment and all utilities except the phone and cable (because she’s got to have cable) and internet are covered by the government, and she expects the government to do a lot more for her.
The other has two children by two different fathers, never married, lives with a man not her husband in government subsidized apartments. He is not supposed to be there. She has been caught housing him before, and what happens is the rent on the subsidized apartment goes up- which neither woman thinks is ‘fair.’
Everybody has a different story, of course, which is kind of the point. The government is basically a one size fits all approach, which church assistance isn’t. The government is values neutral and does subsidize, encourage, and create perpetual dependence in those not strong enough or mature enough to resist that trap. The never married mother of the three children by three fathers told me I am the first person she has ever known who wasn’t on food stamps. All her family does live like this, including the generation before her.
Surely there’s a better way.
P.S. There are several food banks in my county. I don’t know about all of them, but one, which is only open one day a month, requires no credentials, no I.D., nothing. You walk in, they ask ‘how many people are in your household,’ and then they hand out food based on how many people you feed. They help you carry it to the car, too.
I don’t think the failure of Christians was the sole reason, but it was certainly a “good excuse”. Churches did so much (and continue to do) that the government can’t even begin to copy.
OTOH, reading books written during the pre-welfare era (i.e., The Jungle, My Antonia, Uncle Tom’s Cabin, etc.) clearly show that some families fell in the gap.
I think the real failure is the failure to teach fiscal responsibility. I went to public high school, and I never had a class on how to write checks, how credit cards work, how to plan a budget, or was told to save for what I wanted. It was only as a young married that I heard messages like “never finance a luxury”, “never use credit cards for something that will be gone before the bill arrives”, etc.
Slightly related, I’m ordering the book ‘Do the Hard Thing” to try to avoid that in my children.
I completely relate to the sense of entitlement, though. Once someone receives something, they feel it is a right for perpetuity. I suppose it’s human nature – how often have I been highly annoyed when Twitter (a service I do not pay for and have no rights to) goes down? Or when a store is unexpectedly closed during their business hours. Deep down I’m really a big self-entitled baby, too.
I think a better system would be benefits administered by mentors – whether the church or neighbors. Be registered as a mentor – minimal requirements, but you have to be “making it” or at least making it better. So many food stamp and welfare beneficiaries don’t know how to shop. Don’t know how to plan ahead. Don’t know how to cook. Don’t even know the basics of nutrition, thrift, economy. How is a mom to know that McDonald’s isn’t good or necessary when everyone she knows goes there, when the library gives out McD’s coupons as incentives to read, and when her elementary school hosts raffles featuring McDonald’s gift cards as the prize?
The real problem with government is they give the hand out with a personal hand up.
“From each according to ability, to each according to need.”
I wouldn’t worry about the haters, MHM. We’re all obligated to take care of each other, be it through the government or the church. Sometimes that means you’re giving help, and sometimes it means you’re getting it. Receiving with a grateful and noble heart is just as respectable as giving with one.
And, why is it ok to judge people’s life choices ever anyway? Glass houses abound in some of these comments.
I get “those” looks all the time and I only have THREE children so far! I think when children are very young they look like a lot more than they really are
I avoid taking my children grocery shopping at ALL costs (they stay home with Daddy) but many times, my checkout experience goes like this: the clerk will be all smiley and chatty, then when I scan my Quest card, often the smile will disappear and the clerk becomes cold and short.
“…never mind that we had all of these children before the job loss and that we’ve never been on public assistance before; never mind that we’ve paid into the system for over 20 years; never mind that these children will be paying those people’s Social Security in a few short years; never mind that just because an adult is broke doesn’t mean their children should be punished or unwelcome.”
You can’t see me, but I stood up to applaud this. You just never know a person’s circumstance, and children shouldn’t suffer without food because of their parents’ hardship.
There are people who abuse the system, and those are the people everyone wants to trot out as the examples. Approximately 1% of federal taxes go to social welfare programs, and less than 2% of that is fraudulently used. If you know someone abusing the system, you have a duty to report them! Over 90% of the recipients have children in the household, are seniors, or are disabled. So .002% of a person’s taxes are being abused so that children, seniors, and disabled people can eat? Honestly, I am okay with that.
So much has been said on this so I’ll not weigh in but I really love your post. It really does resonate with me – especially as someone who tends towards pride as I’m out with my own 4 boys. I know for a fact that we are treated with respect when often hispanic (which I am but you can’t tell by looking at me) or black families are looked down on. And, if I’m really honest about it, I have been on the looking down on side. It can be difficult when the priorities just appear so screwed up! Pride is an ugly beast.
But for some reason it is socially acceptable for people to use state schools. (I guess because it is not means tested.) I’ll bet your children cost less in foodstamps than 2.5 children cost in public schooling.
No kidding. In 2005, TX spent $7100 per student. I’d have 5 kids in school, saving the state over $35,000
Here in IL as a foster parent I got food stamps as part of the “state support” for my foster kids under 5 yo. It was a major headache. And if you ever REALLY want comments try going to a store with 6 children ages 7 and under composed of 4 different racial combinations. One individual was so outraged by my ahem loose morals (not the term they used, but this is a family blog) that they left a note on my van window about their disgust at seeing me there week after week.
Hey – God sees, He knows, He’ll deal with it. But I had to got to Confession about the little rant I had after reading that note:)
Luci,
Bless you for taking care of those little ones!
My oldest was on medicaid for the first 18 months of his life while my husband was in medical school. He was our ONLY child.
Now, I have three beautiful child and am pregnant with twin boys. I get comments all the time. My least favorite comment is, “Oh, at least your husband is a DOCTOR, and he can provide for them.” I laugh, and then I tell them that in a few short years, we will be long-term missionaries overseas living on support! You really can’t judge a book by its cover!
God bless your family!
ha! When ppl find out my husband works construction, they don’t know what to say, LOL!
milehimama, I volunteer at a food pantry and with another organization. I take issue with people who have more kids than they can feed. I have a problem being taxed anymore than I am now to pay for illegals. And how you (a catholic) can vote for Bill White is beyond me. A liberal tax and spend democrat who made Houston a sanctuary city for illegals and brought the Katrina trash here. I don’t care for Perry but White is far worse. Should a catholic be voting for a pro-choice person? Why do you have food stamp info all over your web site? To encourage it? Shameful! And I don’t believe in Social Security. I want to keep my money, invest it myself, and leave it to my heirs. Can’t do that now.
I never voted for Bill White, not sure where you got that from. I did a food stamp challenge to encourage, inform, and educate people who need help eating real food on a budget, and to show that you don’t have to eat hot dogs and ramen when you can’t spend much.
I think it speaks volumes that you talk about PEOPLE as TRASH. That’s not prolife. That’s not decent. I hope you are kinder to the people who come to the food pantry.
Milehimama, Maybe I should have said acts like trash. People who are on the constant dole for generations and are thugs and drug addicts are making their own choices. With choices there are consequences. We had to move from our home because it was no longer safe. After volunteering for many years I am tired of the same people who know how to get every kind of taxpayer assistance there is but won’t get a job. One even told me she didn’t want to work with teeny boppers at the mall. Remember, someone has to work to provide these entitlements. They are not free, and the government has nothing that it has not taken from someone else. The bible says if you do not work you do not eat. We are supposed to leave some wheat for the poor to work themselves. I will say your recipes are good and healthy. I will pass them on and hope some of the poor use them.
Wow, you really think you are doing the world a favor by having too many children. This is madness. The only one you are doing a favor to is you and your husband. Social Security will not be around when your kids are finally old enough to pay into it. What a flimsy rationalization for your irresponsible reproduction. The fact is, unless you are already wealthy, having nine children is just plain irresponsible. That your dependence on wellfare was triggered by job loss is entirely predictable and in no way absolves you of blame.
Stop telling yourself that your irresponsibly large family benefits the world. The world is overpopulated at present. The only ones benefitting will be you and your husband when your little money makers start pumping their income back into your household. What you have created is a tax payer subsized retirement plan and a huge burden on society.
@Classic. I see your trite repetition of the “too many children” and raise you a Mother Teresa. “Too many children, that’s like saying there’s too many flowers.”
Although I must admit, I do agree with you about SS. Here we are paying, paying, paying into the system for decades without the hope of ever actually seeing that money. But, of course, *I’m* the freeloader simply because I have more people to love in my life. BTW- you do know that America is not overpopulated, right?
Oh the irony. It kills me.
I see no irony here.
Yes, “trite” in the way that it is “trite” to say that nuclear weapons are bad or that deforestation is bad for the planet.
While I’m not speaking narrowly of the population of this country, I am referring to the global population. A population, like it or not, you are also a part of.
With regards to the U.S. population, I’m curious to know how you determine what is a sustainable level of population. Given the huge disparity in consumption of each American versus people from other countries, one might conclude that the US is overpopulated; that the world cannot bear even the weight of the present population of Americans(compare carbon footprint of average american versus that of citizens of just about any other country). I do not pretend to know what the maximum sustainable population of this country is, but given the environmental destruction wrought on the world by our culture, I might suggest that it is atleast reasonable to suspect that there are already too many Americans for the world to bear at present.
Discussion of United States population is of course off topic, the true concern is global population. I suggest you read ‘An Essay on the Principle of Population’ by Malthus.
One last question, are the lives of starving children in third world countries (or United States for that matter) like flowers? Just because Mother Teresa may or may not have made a speciously simplistic analogy does not make it true.
Or, it could be that she (like myself) doesn’t buy into the “children as burdens” Western paradigm.