Rabbi Shmuley writes today about how others react to his large family at WND.
How strange to live in a world where loving children casts one in infamy. Having a family with many children implies a backwardness and primitivism that is deemed unbecoming in the developed countries of the West…
Rich countries, by contrast, prefer to increase their standard of living rather than the number of the living…
Why are people impressed that Jay Leno owns 20 motorcycles, but disgusted that some religious families choose to have 10 children?
So true.
I’ve tried to book hotel rooms, and can’t even get a quote. Why? Max 4 people per room, and we can’t get three rooms because there must be an adult in each room. Yes, even if the baby sleeps in bed with us.
We’ve been discriminated against in the housing market. At one point, a potential landlord took our deposit, application, and signed lease then later refunded it all back, because they decided they didn’t want that many kids on the property, even though we had all of the children with us when we looked at the home and even though it was a four bedroom house. HUD, who enforces the fair housing laws, was a joke, too. Not helpful at all.
The worst are the comments people make in front of the children. ”Haven’t you heard of cond*ms?” is not an appropriate comment in any situation, let alone said by a checker in front of my 3 year old.
“Why would you have so many?” asks a woman who hired a full time nanny for her two small children, but has four cars for a household with two licensed drivers.
Can you tell it drives me nuts?
Sometimes I don’t answer, keeping my own counsel. Sometimes it makes me think of our babies that died before they were born, and it’s hard to bite back a bitter “There should be three more, actually, but they died.”
Sometimes I try to be profound. ”What causes this? Love of life and trust in God.”
Sometimes I quip, “Better full hands than an empty heart!”
Sometimes I get a little inappropriate right back. ”Yes, I know what causes it. You really should try it sometime. It’s fun.”
If you have a larger than normal family, what do you say when everyone and their twin dog publicly question your family planning techniques?
Karen (1)
Raso @ lasagnarec... (1)
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
I stopped at three children for medical reasons. I would have loved more but it was one of those things. When I had my third I was very hurt by the many nasty comments that were thrown at me along the way. I can only imagine the nasties that grow along with a larger family. Until you walk the distance in another’s shoes (how I love Atticus is To Kill a Mocking Bird) you should keep quiet. Or as the old saying goes “If you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all.” As for the housing thing I used to attend a church that knocked back a priest because his young children might damage the rectory! Oh please. Most larger families I know have very well behaved children. Hugs.
I love Shmuley!
While I only have one right now (and one on the way), my husband and I have decided to trust God for our family size. Meanwhile, my parents believe in ZPG. I’m dreading telling them that I’m already carrying number 2!
I read the writing of moms of larger families (yours included) in part because I believe that if y’all can manage a large brood, you can probably teach me something about managing my small one.
But I also read the hateful things that other people write about you and I’m shocked! It was bad enough when I was forced to quit my job for marrying “young” (I was 21 in CA), but the things people write and say about big families take the cake. My bitter side is just grateful that people who hate big families don’t reproduce much.
.-= Harper´s last blog ..Useful link =-.
You can point out that they’re desperately needed…. to pay into the Social Security system.
I came from a family of nine, and we’ve heard them all. Depending on the individual, when asked why my parents had NINE (wince) kids I say, “Well, they LIKE kids. How many pairs of black shoes or white blouses do you own?”
I share your frustration and sadness at the negativity surrounding a large family. Although we only have 4 boys
my in-laws were furious when we told them we were expecting. It hurt more than the looks or comments from strangers because this was their grandchild. I am always speechless, which is probably a gift from God because I never stick my foot in my mouth and say something uncharitable. But I sure do think of uncharitable things after the fact.
I do wonder if in-laws and relatives know just how much that stings. After my FIL died, we were going through his things and I found a letter he wrote to my husband’s sister, telling her that we were expecting Mr X and saying “I hope they finally stop, too many, etc.” It tainted all the memories I have of him (FIL) and my littlest son together, knowing that his grandfather didn’t want him.
That is just awful. I have 3 (4, 2 1/2 and almost 1) but we want a large family and trust God with our fertility. So far I mostly get the “you have your hands full” comments but I do have my hands full – with blessings! I’ve had one woman apologize that all of mine are girls (and she worked at a church!) but I’ve also had complete strangers tell me how blessed I am and even what a great mom I am.
I have to admit though, I’d really struggle to be nice and Christian if someone said something like that in front of my kids. Comments to me I can deal with but hurting my kids I don’t know that I’d handle well at all.
.-= Katherine´s last blog ..The Saturday Evening Blog Post =-.
It’s even worse when you have no children. DH and I are not able to have them and I am flabbergasted at how insensitive people are. I am always being asked “how many children do you have?” and when I say none, they say “do you think you’ll have any soon?” Without getting into personal medical issues I have a hard time knowing what to say.
.-= Wendy (The Local Cook)´s last blog ..10 Gift Ideas for Father’s Day =-.
That is awkward. I *ahem* might have told someone once “I only discuss my uterus with my doctor” in a haughty tone.
I’ve been known to tell people that we are just trying to outnumber the idiots. Which means we have quite a long way to go yet. Yes, the comments are frustrating and rude. And I hate that my children have had to learn to develop a thick skin at a young age because of the comments we hear when out together. But I wouldn’t trade our life for anything. I try to remind myself that behind those comments are often people who are bitter and angry because they did not follow their heart and have that one more child they really wanted.
It’s amazing that anyone even thinks that it is acceptable to question another’s fertility. It’s highly personal.
I know large families take a lot of flak, but I was not prepared for the criticism we received from my husband’s extended family when we announced number 3! Apparently, they thought I was nuts since we already had the ‘perfect’ family, a boy and a girl.
What I wouldn’t give to have more children. We are so blessed to have our three kids. In the end, I would rather have a houseful of children than a closet full of shoes.
Jen in OK
I also get a lot of comments when we go out. Some guy said “you really need to stop having kids” when I had THREE children. This complete stranger felt he had the right to regulate my sex life. Comments I’ve heard made to other families “All from the same father?” Ummm, yes, and why did you need to know? “Don’t you have a TV?” Sorry, but if you’d rather watch TV than have sex, you must be doing it wrong.
I’m currently pregnant for the seventh time, but most people who don’t know us assume this is our fifth child (we’ve had one neonatal loss and one miscarriage). Our family size is large enough for other people to remark on, but it’s usually not too horrifying. Our current pet peeve is getting comments from other church members asking if we are trying to keep up with the larger families! I’ve finally figured out that the best response is to agree with them by saying “Yes, in fact we base all our family decisions on what other people are doing!”.
You know, I don’t think it’s really necessary to answer their actual questions at all. Instead, it would be entirely appropriate to say, “Did you really just say that?” or “Do you realize how rude that is?”
I don’t get a lot of comments other than the run-of-the-mill “wow it must be hard” type comments, probably because I only have my 3 boys. But I did get a comment at church (at my pro-life parish, which has a Gabriel Project and lots of big families!) from a lady who was sorry that my 3rd kid is a boy, implying that a family is not complete without a girl but who’d want a fourth kid? When people ask the more benign question, “Are you going to try for a girl?” or the odious “Are you done?” I answer, “Well, that’s up to God.”
.-= Robyn @Leave the Lights On´s last blog ..What is Excommunication? =-.
Robyn, I’ve gotten comments from people at your church about our family size, too. Honestly, that’s why I stopped going to the MNOs you invited me too.
I truly hope you reported that cashier. How unexcusably rude?
And who’s business is it how many kids you have? Busybodies need to get a life.
Maybe it will help if you see every one of those negative comments as an opportunity, a blessing in disguise.
“Blessed are you when they insult you and persecute you and utter every kind of evil against you because of me.”
Yes, some of those comments really hurt. But instead of taking it personally, maybe we should be seeing it as an opportunity to evangelize, to let all those poor people out there see firsthand that there are real people who see children as blessings worth the sacrifice involved, who are willing to trust God to provide them with the material and emotional support needed to raise a large family.
.-= Anna´s last blog ..Homeschooling =-.
Just keep telling them that you would rather have more people in your life than all the junk money can buy. The junk will never ever love you back.
.-= Birdie´s last blog ..Still Here =-.
You blog is one of my very favorites. I appreciate your love of God and your faithfulness to stand by your values. God bless you for bringing so many little ones into the world and teaching them about the good Lord. I’m not Catholic (I’m Baptist) but we serve the same God.
Thanks for the kind words Barbara. We do serve the same God (did you know my husband is a Baptist?)
Isn’t it amazing how people will confront us about the size of our families, but not confront their friends/family for adultery (or other sin)??
We are having number 5 in the Fall, and all of our children are the same sex. We get the questions about “trying for a ____”, and my response is, “Our boys/girls are not mistaken attempts for a boy/girl!” That usually stops the questioner in their tracks…
I generally let is slide. Most people speak long before they think, and an uncomfortable glance is enough to make them realize what they just said.
.-= Dana´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Never knew weeding could be so fun! =-.
My husband has a good all purpose comment for those types of questions: “According to Darwin we win.”
This is such an interesting post. I never realized that large families faced so much opposition. I grew up Mormon and in a Mormon community where all the families had lots of kids. I see large families and don’t give it a second thought, especially a negative or judgmental thought. I say as long as you have the strength to raise happy and healthy children, have as many as God will give you!
Hi! Thanks for your helpful food comment over at my blog this morning.
I am originally a Houston Presbyterian
and now have converted into a midwestern Catholic. Your blog looks great and I’ll be browsing!
We have 5 kids and we do get comments, most especially “are you done?” I always just say “I don’t know” and I think even that simple response tells them a lot–as in, I don’t think it’s really up to me! It’s so amazing that the concept of discerning your family plan each month is just so far removed from how most people ever think of planning their family. I think I must write a whole post on this soon. (Any minute now…)
Regarding “Don’t you know what causes that,” one response I’ve heard that I love is “Yes, and we’re very good at it!”
God bless you and your sweet family!
I got comments from my own mother about having more than 2. “why would anyone have a third child is beyond me” direct quote. Let’s note that I am her THIRD CHILD! I think large families are awesome! And when I encounter a large family in a store or somewhere in public, I comment on how lucky they are!!!
Glenda, that’s hilarious.
Cheryl, do you ever add “Thanks for the encouragement to keep going” to your comment about trying to outnumber the idiots?
We have two living children right now, so (through no fault of mine or theirs) we get the comments that we have a “perfect little family” and even “perfect spacing” (nine months). I think it’d be more fun to get some of the trying-to-be-funny large family questions (Like “Do you know what causes that?”) But occasionally I get to answer whether I’m done (“I sure hope not!”)
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