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We are in the market for a new couch. Not a fancy, hand tied by vestal virgins from reclaimed Tuscan driftwood furniture, just something decent that the family (er, the WHOLE family) can sit on.

As you can see, we are in desperate need. We currently have a cream colored leather (er, bonded leather aka vinyl) sofa and love seat that we got very, very used. It has cat damage (we don’t have a cat) and a pine frame that husband dear has had to rebuild.

Sunday we went on a shopping adventure. We took along the whole gang, forgot the stroller, and visited every bathroom in every store. Twice.

We hit the legendary Gallery Furniture, which was fun for the kids. It was Mattress Mack’s birthday, so they had pizza, drinks, cookies, and cake. They also have a playland for the kids, monkeys in cages, and exotic birds right in the store. It’s about as fun as furniture shopping can get for the 7-11 year old set.

Unfortunately, we didn’t find anything we liked. A salesman joined us but once it became clear that I was dead set against anything white and wanted the sofa to have some sort of arms, he gave up. I wasn’t ready to murmur polite remarks about ugly couches so it was a pretty brisk “No, no, no way, I don’t think so, I hate that one” kind of conversation.

Then we headed to The Dump, another legendary Houston furniture outlet. They had a lot of unusual couches involving variations on animal hides, real and fake, but did have some good prices.

We finally found a sofa we loved, cheap enough that we could pay cash for, that fit all of the kids, that was a good color, that was comfortable, that would fit our space, and that was durable (microfiber with a hardwood frame). I scoured the fabric protection plan while the children frolicked on the sofa, testing the quality.

And I noticed a feather. And another. My, this couch sure did collect a lot of…. um, bird flotsam. Wait, is that a feather in the couch? A quick zipoff of the cushion revealed actual down padding on top of the foam pad. No wonder it was so comfortable! But, the feathers were encased in a very thin polyester wrapping, which was why a few poked out of the couch upholstery every time someone sat down.

No, that would never do. Can you imaging trying to clean that if the potty trainer du jour had an accident?

Now, I have enough messes without the furniture getting in on the action, spitting up feathers everywhere. I imagined a future filled with a rapidly deflating couch as my vacuum clogged with tiny feathers and children absently picked at them while watching TV.

Again, this was for all other intents and purposes the perfect couch. So, after inspection, I determined that I could ameliorate this problem by inserting some ticking or vinyl between the down cushion and the upholstery, inside the cushion. It would be easy enough, and a no-sew project to boot. However, it would also be a pain in the … neck. So I thought I’d dicker.

The couch was already marked down 10%, with free delivery. I discussed matters over with the salesman while Mr X tried the other customer’s patience and the baby nursed. It was a good nursing couch! Anyway, the salesman agreed to throw in the fabric protection plan for free, to compensate for all the cushion customizing I’d have to do.

His sales manager agreed – but decided if he threw in the fabric protection plan ($99), then he’d take away the free delivery ($139).

$139??? Are they nuts? I don’t live on Pluto.

Somehow, that puts the price $39 more than what we originally would pay. Some discount.

Which is just as well, because it turns out the “fabric protection plan” doesn’t actually protect the fabric. It just means that when you stain the couch, you can call an 800 number and have people come out and clean it. I would need a standing weekly appointment. No thanks. However, The Dump’s fabric protection plan is better than Room To Go’s – RTG’s doesn’t cover normal soiling, bodily fluids (we have lots of those around here), ink, dyes, abuse, or anything that is not a food or beverage stain. What’s the point of that?

So yeah, we walked. And took the kids to Target instead.

And we’re still in the market for a couch.